I'm Losing My Mind
Updated: Apr 25, 2018
I’m losing my mind. Everywhere I look it’s a mess. There’s crumbs and crackers on the ground, there’s toys everywhere, there’s milk cups strewn on every level and in the van. The curtains brackets have been pulled out of the walls, there’s a big white board blocking the front window, burnt out lights throughout the house. There’s laundry piled up despite having spent the whole day doing laundry two days ago. The garbage cans are exploding because I finally broke down all the cardboard from Christmas and stuffed it in the cans. There’s rice all over the floor from the sensory bucket that Oliver uses. The pantry and the fridge are cluttered and yet we have no food. I don’t know where to begin tackling all this. I’m constantly cleaning, picking up after people and doing laundry and I am still standing in this mayhem. The anxiety that I have built up about is spraying out at Mark and the boys. I’m short with them and very irritable. Why do I do this to myself? Other people keep on top of things. Why can’t I?
It’s so funny how things happen. Just about an hour after I got done typing that top paragraph, I was dropping Oliver off at school. I heard a mom say she has a bunch of sensory toys at her house. When I hear ‘sensory toys’ my ears prick up because I assume she has a child on the spectrum. So I asked her. She said she’s got twin boys on the spectrum and suspects her other son is also. We chatted a bit after the drop off about her life. I’ve got to say, it’s really humbling to listen to another person's life. She talked about the struggles she has with each of her children. She talked about how she can’t take her kids anywhere because of the anxiety each of them have. She talked about how she’s not doing enough to help them along, specifically teaching her younger son the alphabet. She talked about the other struggles her family has had like 2 deaths in the family and other mental health issues her relatives struggle with. She’s had three surgeries in the past year. I was so impressed to hear her talk about how she’s trying to change her attitude by focusing on her health. She laughed as she stretched her legs from being sore from exercise. I let her know that she’s doing a great job and it sounds like she’s a really invested mom. I walked back in my house thoughtful about what I had just heard. It’s so easy to get sucked into my own world. It’s so easy to feel like my problems are all encompassing. I’m glad I got a chance to talk to someone else for a while. Hopefully she feels a bit better too. I just realized I didn't ask for her name.