Bursting at the Seams
Updated: Jul 11, 2018
Today after the basketball game I cried my eyes out to my friend Rachel. She asked me how I was doing and it just came flooding out. It’s significant because I’m generally a pretty stoic person, but recently I feel as though I'm bursting at the seams. My life pre-autism diagnosis was routined, under control. Both my kids napped at the same time so I was able to take at least a 2 hour break in the middle of my day. I’m a total introvert so alone time I am finding is absolutely critical to my emotional well being. Post diagnosis, my alone time is now replaced with strangers in my house working with Oliver. I feel that I am being constantly scrutinized. I feel on display. So, in other words, I now experience the polar opposite thing that helps me recover from the stresses of having small children, particularly a special needs child. I have no sanctuary to call home. I never thought I would see the day that I dread my home instead of feeling sheltered from the outside world. I now have zero time to recoup my emotional energy and there is no end in sight. How do I balance 30 hours of therapy a week for Oliver, making sure Max feels just as important as Oliver, be a good wife to Mark and be the person that I want to be? I’m so depleted it seems quite impossible to achieve what I have in my mind. On top of it all I fear my husband is highly annoyed with the person that I’m becoming. I’ve got to figure out how to balance everyone's needs without removing my own needs all together. The system I have going now is not sustainable. I just don’t see a solution. Well, tomorrow is Mother’s Day so I better get some sleep so I have the energy to put on a grateful face for the one day that people pretend like they appreciate what I’m going through.